Growing Out Of My Chrysalis
Destiny and fate the two big questions in life that I have often dismissed with freewill, I have always believed whatever way you go in life you will reach the destiny you have created, and that will become your fate yes freewill is choice and through choice we engineer our lives, my life is going through some big changes right now, yes I am making my choices but somehow I feel it is all guided, which makes me feel very blessed I live within the realisation, that spirit can see the big picture that we cannot possibly see, from our limited perception of time and space, do spirit extrapolate possible outcomes from our choices, and gently guide us to the best possible outcome, often through our own freewill we choose to ignore guidance from spirit, but what I do know is that spirit gently guide us through heart and mind.
For spirit guidance to be successful our hearts and minds must be flowing with the natural flow of life, not with everyone else’s natural flow but our own, this is why we should truly seek who and what we are meant to be, not from the external world but from heart and mind, with spiritualism I had found my niche in life, and serving spirit gave me an identity and a completeness, I had found my true self but mistakenly I wanted to be like everyone else, because I felt alone felt different from everyone else and in the public eye, is a very lonely place so off I went in search of a “normal” life, and to be honest failed miserably by being what I am not, over the coming years my spiritual service faded to virtually nothing, just a few services a year and the odd friend or stranger that my spiritual awareness could be of use to.
Autumn 2008 I found myself in a big rut I was living with my girlfriend, all I was doing was working and paying bills, my spiritual work was virtually non existent, I was lost going nowhere fast, I looked up to the sky opened my heart and mind, and said “Angels please help me find my purpose in life, let me fulfill my purpose in life, I know I was meant for more than this”. In hindsight now I know that my prayer was answered, looking back everything I did not need was taken away from me, people, places, which allowed me to become aware and develop my inner self and life purpose, on a spiritual pathway.
When I first moved into my flat 23/07/10 it was due to my girlfriend, going out to a nice italian restaurant for dinner, with the wealthy husband of a elderly and sick lady she was caring for, in her job as a carer in a care home we had a big argument about it, I was very angry with her as I was paying off the debt collection agencies, who were pursuing her for unpaid bills, aswell as supporting the home we lived in along with my own finances, it left me little or no money for myself I was working very long hours just to survive, having said all this I still loved her very much, you may think of me as being very foolish, as I have always believed in the power of love, it was through my belief in love that I managed to woo her back to me, in hindsight this was a big mistake as she was only luring me back for my paycheque, the power of love can only work if the love is genuinly felt on both sides, we talked alot and I truly thought she could see the error of her ways, and was going to change we lived apart whilst I saved some money. Christmas Day 2010 I found myself drunk and alone, sitting on my bed in my flat after a big argument and break up with my girlfriend, her parting shot was that I would die a very lonely old man, that remark really stuck in my guts, but it has since inspired me to be the best that I can be, I thought to myself I cannot carry on like this things must change.
Through my drunken mind my native American spirit guide Red Cloud, managed to tell me not to forget that I am a healer and medium, and that I should get back to being what I truly am and serve spirit, everything else had failed especially in my relationships, and working long hours as a security officer on a zero hour contract, things definitely needed to change, the thought of going back into spiritual service was a real light bulb moment for me, I had often foolishly raged at people for not seeing me as I am, and had been when in truth they could only see what I had become, the truth being I was now a total mess, I remembered the feeling I got when spirit uplifted someone through my mediumship, the travel and some of the lovely and deeply spiritual people I had met along the way, the friendships that I had made and the respect that myself and my spirit team had earned.
In that moment spirit had become my lighthouse, I was a ship on a mental and spiritual stormy sea trying to navigate my way home, mainly due to my anger with myself and the narcissistic relationships I had been in, and the lies that had been told, Red Cloud again came to me and said you need to practice what you preach and find yourself again, if you wish to improve your life and serve us again, I reminded myself that the spiritual path is a way of life, a way of life that nurtures not only ourselves but all we come into contact with, and at the time I very much needed a path to follow and a different way of life to what I had been living.
My Native American Spirit Guide Red Cloud
The next day boxing Day 2010 hungover I had to pull myself together quickly, as I was working a 12 hour security day shift at Fujitsu in Bracknell, I was very upset over my relationship break up, and was foolishly missing her over a period of time I began to realise, that my ex girlfriend had given me my life back which is a sacred gift, I now had the power to create the kind of life I wanted and needed to live, this compensated for the fact that she needed my paycheque more than she ever needed me, another realisation that was painful but taught me a great lesson, that there are people out there who will feign love, to meet there material needs it still amazes me that people can stoop that low, love speaks and is understood in actions not just words, from that day on I started to pull my mental and spiritual act together, by inwardly and outwardly practising what I preach, I started to pray for the first time in years, and send out absent healing.
In early January 2011 I felt very drawn to go to Slough Spiritualist Church, so I went along to the clairvoyance evening they have there on a Wednesday night, as it made sense as I was now beginning to walk a spiritual pathway again, to go back to where my spiritual pathway had begun, I received a warm welcome picked up my song book and found myself a seat, I really felt like the prodigal son going back there, I wondered how the people I knew at Slough back in the day, would think of me seeing the mess I had become, the realisation of this saddened me but I only had myself to blame for what I had become, as I sat there I realised it was 28 years near enough to the day, that I first served Slough Spiritualist Church as a medium, and it made me wonder where I would be spiritually, if I had not walked away from the spiritual path.The medium that evening was Nigel Townsend and it was good to see that he had a strong connection with spirit, and he was giving some very good evidential and uplifting messages from spirit, he came to me telling me my nan and granddad were with me, this was odd as nan and granddad had never come together before, they had always given me messages separately and never had come together, “I’m in for a rollocking I thought” Nigel described my grandparents to me and then gave me the message from them, describing my mental and spiritual state and the ups and downs I had been going through, Nigel shook his head and said to me ” I don’t know why your grandparents are calling you this, but they are calling you the ghost whisperer and laughing” and they are telling you to leave the past in the past and carry on, I knew exactly what my grandparents had meant by calling me the ghost whisperer, I chuckled to myself and thought little do you know Nigel, but my nan and granddads words gave me great encouragement, to follow my spiritual pathway, I was very humbled that spirit were calling me back to service, and I was determined to become the best possible healer and medium I could become.
Spiritual Medium Nigel Townsend at Slough Spiritualist Church
Although my break up with my girlfriend was percieved by myself as a very negative time, I was very lonely I was used to people being around when I got home, and yes I missed the company of a woman, and tried online dating to get back in the saddle, my facebook friends told me it was way to soon to be looking for a new relationship, and they were right as I was mentally and emotionally not ready for a new relationship, I realised I would have to let go of the past, with all its trials and hurt, and love myself for who I am if I was to move forward and to be prepared for what life has to offer, I was actually taking the first steps of a journey of transformation, that would lead to self discovery and the greatest lesson ever to live and speak my truth through an open heart.
I became friends with a beautiful soul and very gifted lady, Jane Lorraine Goodman who works and serves with Angels and spirit, who I believe was sent by the Angels to help me to see the errors of my ways, and to help me to focus and prepare myself for the new pathway, the Angels were opening up for me and I had to change my ways, as I was still drinking and smoking way to much, my drinking was reinforcing my negativity and keeping me in a dark place, lowering my vibration and smoking was clogging my etheric field, drinking heavily and smoking were making it very difficult for Angels and spirit to communicate with me, I remember one evening Jane came to visit me, I was drunk and babbling on about my love for Shakespeare, and that I would love to take her to a Shakespeare play, as Jane stomped out of my door she said to me “you wont be able to take me anywhere you will be to drunk” I shouted back to her “I will show you”, I know Jane felt at the time that I was not listening to her, but believe me I was listening to every word she said, by talking to Jane it was helping me to grieve over and understand the past, and a good injection of common sense from Jane which I very much needed, it was also good to be able to talk a fellow medium, who would understand where I was coming from, Jane text me not long after she walked out of my flat, to tell me she was backing away from me as she felt she was becoming a crutch for me, this I understood and the best thing she could have done at the time, as I very much needed to stand on my own two feet mentally and emotionally, it felt strange even lonely not having Jane around to talk to, I remembered my words to show her that I could change and make something of myself, and become what I am meant to be Jane always told me I have a beautiful heart, so I set about healing my heart living and speaking my truth through my heart, also becoming the kind and compassionate being that I am, cutting back on alcohol and cigarettes helped very much in this process not only my physical, mental, and spiritual, health I was also gaining a stronger and much clearer connection to Angels and spirit, a year went by and I bought two tickets to see A Midsummer Nights Dream, at Regents Park Open Air Theatre in London, I phoned Jane and invited her to come and see A Midsummer Nights Dream with me, I was very happy that she accepted my invitation, as we sat there in the theatre awaiting the play to start I turned to her and said “I told you I would take you to see a shakespeare play” she laughed and she said so you were listening, it was a wonderful performance myself and Jane had a lovely evening, we remain friends to this day I will forever be indebted to Jane, for helping me and guiding me on my path, Jane will forever be my Angel Lady.
The Lovely Jane Lorraine Goodman My Angel Lady came to see me demonstrate mediumship for the first time at Wokingham Spiritualist Church 09/10/19
from my talks with Jane I was very conscious that I should not be making the same mistakes again, especially where women were concerned and not getting myself into another narcissistic relationship, it meant not repeating my old behaviours in other words, seeking sex and not thinking of the consequences of sex, and being lured into a relationship by where I would fulfill one need or another, when the need had been fulfilled whether it be protection or money I was cast aside when someone better came along or I had run out of money, which made me very angry and bitter, I had to let go of all past hurts and let go of the misconceptions of myself I had built up over the years, I was no longer the peoples medium of yesteryear, In fact my awareness to spirit had dropped significantly, although still doing a few services a year, the standard of my mediumship had dropped to a unacceptable level, so I had to go back to being myself I am naturally a big softy, and whatever anyone says about mediumship, the foremost upmost important thing is love and compassion within the heart, without it we cannot attune properly to spirit as they vibrate on pure unconditional love, or be of service to spirit for all so I had to let go of all the geezer hard man bullshit, of some of my less than savoury work on the door or frontline security.
I had asked God Angels and Guides to guide me to my purpose, and to help me live my purpose, I realised that everything I didn’t need was stripped or being stripped away from me, the angels were testing me presenting me with conditions, to see how I would react to them, to see if I would react with anger, or mix with the type of people I had mixed with before, and repeat old behaviours would I continue drinking, in other words was I letting go of the past, and behaviours in heart and mind that did not serve my greater good, once I realised I was being tested it helped me to focus on my greater good, to become what I am truly meant to be and made the process of letting go of all past hurts so much easier, to be honest I cannot blame the divine being for testing me as so much, was being invested in me for future service, if their is one thing that I have learned over the past eight years, is that life is a state of heart and mind, their is a teaching that everything comes when it is the right time, little do we realise that we have to be right in heart and mind, before anything can come of benefit to our greater good, or the lessons will keep coming to guide us to our greater good, so I say to all be true to yourselves and life, fill your hearts with love and compassion let go of the anger and bitterness of the past, spiritual development is not an easy pathway to walk and it is certainly not for the weak in heart and mind, although we all have the potential to become more enlightened and happier.
The last few years have been a great journey of self discovery, and spiritual development for me, and there have been so many blessings along the way, in service and in friendships old and new, and I can see and have been told by fellow mediums, how spirit engineered getting me out of a toxic way of life, and back onto the spiritual pathway of service and development, fast forwarding to today in 2018 whilst I am not doing the 100+ services a year, I once did and hoped to do again my service to spirit and mediumship has changed, people now come to me for spiritual guidance and healing, I teach spiritual development and still do some platform demonstrations, give private readings and are doing more transfiguration and trance demonstrations, I also started this blog because people wanted to know how I lost weight, and through this blog I share my journey and spiritual teaching, along with all this I have realised that I need to give spirit more time to work through me, my work as a security officer had to go as it took up way to much of my time, I have secured a job working 37.5 hours a week which is as good as semi retirement for me, and it gives me and spirit the time to work together.
I believe change however perceived, positive or negative is an opportunity to grow, today 11/05/18 I gave my letting agent notice to end my tenancy on my flat, as I am moving away from Slough, to live and share life with my soulmate Veronica, as soon as I sent the email I felt a sense of loss and letting go, over the past 8 years living here at my flat I realised my flat had become my chrysalis, from broken man to emerging from my chrysalis a transformed man, for me, where I have conquered my demons regained my self worth, found peace in my heart and life, beaten diabetes 2 and maintaining healthy weight loss, and growing spiritually, 23/06/18 I am now living with my lovely girlfriend Veronica, I am also training for my PVC licence with a bus company life is good.
Stephen Rowlands 23/06/18