Over the years I have asked many people if they meditate, because I feel it could help them, or spirit feels it would help them to meditate, mostly I get the same answer. Its to difficult, my mind wanders , I have to much on my mind to meditate, I have not got the time to meditate. So I have decided to write this blog, to outline a simple way to meditate.

Meditation is a great way to relax and focus our minds, to find answers to questions, or to calm turbulent thoughts and emotions. The first thing I was taught  about meditation, is you cannot have imagination without an image, so meditation is simply day dreaming. And that is something we all do, but unlike day dreaming where our minds create the mental images we would like, such as winning the lottery, or getting a date with a film or pop star, being with someone we miss, or our penchant for looking back into the past, and the many what ifs that arise from mentally living in the past, our minds create the mental images of the most satisfying possibilities.

Meditation is in fact focussed day dreaming, whereby we mentally get the image we want, within our minds eye and allow everything else to take place without our input. A good starting meditation is to imagine yourself sitting alone on a beach, on a warm sunny day mentally put yourself on the beach, focus on smelling the sea air, hearing the waves lapping on the shore, watching seagulls flying above the waves, what other sights, sounds, and senses are you aware of. We only need to meditate for a few minutes to get the benefit of it.

Being perfect at meditation is not the point of meditation, levitating our minds  to a more peaceful, higher level of awareness is the aim of meditation. We are exercising mental muscles we don’t often use. But like any exercise, the more we do it the better we get at it, if we are distracted by other thoughts. Like work, or what to have for dinner, financial and emotional worries, discard those thoughts let them pass and get back to your beach the more frequently you meditate, I suggest 2 or 3 times a week, distractions will become less and less.


 A simple exercise  I use to prepare for meditation, to help focus my thoughts, is what is known as stepping into the moment, this is what I find best do, and works for me.

1, Find a comfy chair make yourself comfortable

2, Shut your eyes and inhale through your nose, and gently exhale from your mouth, this helps relax our muscles and stimulates our minds, to a slightly higher state of awareness, to prepare for meditation.

3, Realise it is only us that makes the noise with our thoughts and feelings, sit quietly and realise that you have peace and tranquility all around you. It is only us that makes the noise so put your thoughts and feelings to one side, it does not matter if a bomb is falling on your house, step into the peace and tranquility  of the moment. This can also be difficult to achieve, but the more we practice meditation we will find it easier to be in the moment.

4, Once in the moment or your feeling more relaxed, remember to discard any day to day thoughts, worries. anxieties, aches and pains. Not easy to do but practice makes perfect, I have been meditating for years, and still get distracted but don’t be disheartened, just get back to the image you started with.

Now your ready to visualise where you want to be, it can be anywhere but make sure it is a positive image, like sitting on a beach, or walking down a path in the forest, focus on what you can see. hear, sense, smell, within your image dont tamper with it let it play like a movie.

Meditation teaches us and helps us to discover our trueselves, other than what we have conditioned ourselves to become. Helping us to become a better version of ourselves, so honesty with ourselves is a priceless tool in meditation.

If you the reader meditates using the above suggestions, if you have any questions please don’t hesitate to contact me Email- I will be happy to discuss the above steps with you.

There are also many guided meditations you can buy online, I hope this blog has helped. Stephen



The Voice Of My Heart



Stephen Rowlands

Journey of the Lost Soul : Chapter 2 Spiritual Development.


Christian Spiritualism had opened its doors to me, and it was lovely to feel accepted, not strange or different. it was normal to see and sense not weird, I started to go to church, twice a week on a Wednesday and Sunday, as I was embracing this whole new world that was opening up to me. Seeing mediums pass messages to loved ones who were present, seeing the comfort, help, and upliftment, the messages were giving, to the people who were receiving them, I thought to myself I would like to be able to do that.

I had a inner feeling that I could possibly one day, progress into being a platform medium, serving Spirit and giving people upliftment, through the teachings and messages of Spirit. I was seeking something I could excel in,  where I could make my parents proud of me, although I was only 18 years old, I had not been much of a success at anything, I left school with a grade 5 cse English the school only gave me that certificate, so I did not leave school without any qualifications at all, I had no interest in school, and I must also admit to being very lazy. My laziness continued into working life in and out of jobs, and being constantly reminded by parents and family what a failure I was, I was seeking my niche in life where I could excel.


Spiritualism was providing me that niche, as I had a growing hunger for knowledge, of all spiritualism could teach me, back in 1978 the teachings of Spirit, were very much taught as a way of life, it was ok to make a mistake as long as you learned from that mistake, I was learning that this earth plane, that we all live on and share, is one big learning ground a school for the soul. I was learning about the levels of spirit, and that we as souls bring to this earth plane, many different levels of understanding. The reasoning for why we have so much conflict on our earth plane, from disagreements with family and friends to world war, from the liars, cheaters, the greedy for money and power, people who exert there will through violence. To those people who are peaceful, selfless, and loving. And all the levels of understanding between love and hate, it is here on this earth plane, that we come here to learn how to love unconditionally, love is a massive spectrum of emotion, from divine unconditional/universal love, at the top of the spectrum. To hatred greed anger jealousy at the bottom of the spectrum, and that our souls vibrate at varying levels of this spectrum, through our emotions and level of understanding. It was up to us who were aware, and walking a spiritual pathway, to have compassion, for those of a lesser understanding, and at times forgiveness for those of a lower level of understanding, and to live and speak our truth, with love and compassion. To sow the seeds of learning, for those souls of a lower understanding, the teachings of Spirit, are love kindness and compassion tolerance forgiveness, and that we who walk a spiritual pathway, are in service to everyone and everything.

The first thing I ever read in Slough Christian Spiritualist Church, was BE HUMBLE IN SERVICE, that one statement has been my guide throughout my spiritual service.

Over the next 3 months, mediums were telling me from the platform, I could develop into being a spiritual healer and medium, although I was seen as to young to become a medium, my Spirit Guides wished to use me as a powerhouse, this meant providing spiritual power, for the spiritual healer and his or her Spirit Guides. A power booster is the best way to describe it, I was invited by Brian North, to join him in the healing sanctuary to be the powerhouse, for him and his healing guides, this was a real step forward for me, and I was very excited about it. I was finally meeting spirit on a level playing field, to be able to embrace spirit, and to find out why they wanted to be around me, and make themselves known to me. The healing sanctuary has a blue light one end of the room, and a red light the other, I had already learned that blue was the main healing colour, I asked Brian why the red and blue lights, he replied it is easier to see spirit in this light, there was a table by the wall in the middle of the room, with religious icons on it and pictures of native American healing guides, and two chairs opposite each other in the middle of the room.


A lady entered the healing sanctuary, and sat down ready to receive healing, Brian asked me to sit in the other chair, and to imagine the lady in the chair with a blue light all around her, and to send my love to her in thought, Brian said a opening prayer invoking inviting spirit to come forward, and channel healing energy through him, the atmosphere within the sanctuary changed, it started to feel a bit warmer, it also felt like other people had entered the healing sanctuary, although I could not see them I could feel them beside me, and moving around the room moving around Brian. there was this growing energy within the sanctuary, a beautiful indescribable feeling of unconditional love, Brian’s breathing got a bit deeper and he put his hands over the ladies shoulders, as I shut my eyes I could feel my hands getting warmer and warmer, heat generating from the middle of my palms. this continued for approx. 20-30 minutes, although in that environment you do lose all track and sense of time, Brian then asked the lady if she felt ok she replied that she felt good, and also that she could feel another pair of hands moving over her, and that she felt much better. That was my first experience of giving spiritual healing, and I loved it and wanted to do it more and more. As time went on and the more I sat, in the healing sanctuary working as a powerhouse, for Brian and his healing guides, I was being mentally drawn to where peoples pain and illness was, on a physical level and I would tell people where they were hurting, although diagnosis is very frowned upon today, it was a perfectly normal thing to do back in 1978, and I agree we are not doctors so we shouldn’t be giving diagnosis, this was also the start of my third eye and mediumship awareness opening up.


I was also introduced to and encouraged to do absent healing, the easiest way to describe absent healing is prayer, when we break prayer down it is in actual fact thought, I was being taught that thought is energy and the most powerful thing within the universe, if we infuse our thoughts with love and send those thoughts to people, the energy of our loving thoughts can help them to heal, and asking God and healing guides, to give the healing that was necessary, so I started to give absent healing every Friday night from my bedroom at home, there was a lady at church called Sue, who I had become friendly with she suffered with a bad back, that at times would incapacitate her. I started to send her absent healing as time went by, within my minds eye I could see a bedroom, with a Victorian type bed in it my view was from the head end, and I could see a dressing gown hanging on the rail of the foot end of the bed, also a dressing table with a oval mirror opposite against the wall. After a few months of sending Sue absent healing, she asked me at church did I send my absent healing out on a Friday night, I confirmed to her that I did and that I could see a bedroom, within my minds eye Sue asked me to describe the bedroom, I did and she said that’s my bedroom. I was very astounded and amazed by her comment it was a real shock, but a nice shock if you know what I mean, Sue went on to say she could see my face to her right, as she lay in bed on a Friday night and this was the view I was getting of her bedroom. I did not realise or know that at the time, I was actually astral projecting myself mentally through my healing thoughts, this was a new development for me, and I did not realise that I was really opening up to spirit.


Sat in church one sunny warm Sunday evening, on the platform that evening was the trance medium Berenice Watts. who gave the address and messages in trance, with her spirit guides and loved ones, communicating through her. I was very drawn to Berenice and had a strong feeling a knowing, that spiritually she would teach me, little did I know at that point what a major part, Berenice would play in my spiritual development.

I was invited into Marjorie and Don Jacksons spiritual development circle, in Iver this excited me as I was being told by mediums, that I could develop mediumship and by others, that I was to young at 19 years old, to develop mediumship and that I was not gifted at all, this was a challenge to me as I really needed to excel in something, developing my spiritual awareness is something I really wanted to do, and to prove the doubters wrong. Don and Marjorie’s circle was held every Friday night, at there home there was Don, Marjorie, myself Nancy and John we sat in the living room, in a circle Marjorie would do the prayer of invocation, and we would sit quietly hands on laps palms upwards, in a kind of meditative state freeing our minds, of our material worries woes physical aches and pains, and seeing waiting to see what spirit wished to inspire us with, images within the minds eye, feelings of those spirits that were coming around us in the circle, and any messages they wished to share.

This went on for a good few weeks, although at the end of the evening when it was time to give off what we had received, I had nothing to give as I felt I did not experience anything. I was disheartened by this although Marjorie and Don encouraged me to stick with it, then Marjorie would do the closing prayer and we would have tea and biscuits, we continued to sit over the weeks, and I was being drawn to bend physically, forwards backwards from side to side, my arms outstretched in front of me to the sides and above my head, I felt this was all very strange, but the others did not bat an eyelid, so I carried on allowing this to happen to me, I asked Marjorie about it and she said do not worry, its just spirit adjusting to your physical body.

Zangu Zulu Spirit Guide

So I continued sitting and bending physically, until one night we were sitting in a low light, I looked over at Don and all of a sudden his head disappeared before my eyes, and different heads replaced his a native American, china man, a guy with a bowler hat, people of all different nationalities were appearing, this frightened me but amazed me at the same time, as it was the first time I had ever experienced this. My breathing started to get deeper and deeper, my consciousness was getting very inward until I felt about an inch tall within myself, I could hear my breathing getting deeper and more guttural, I could also feel this energy power however you want to describe it, getting stronger and stronger within me I felt I had no physical control over myself, to be honest I was crapping myself as I had no control, this energy power intelligence I could not describe it at the time, had total control over me, I heard Marjorie say have you come in peace, my head was turned from left to right as to say no, now I was really worried I was looking from within outwards, I did not know what was happening to me, and I had no control Marjorie then said have you come to give healing, my head was moved up and down to say yes.

Marjorie asked who have you come to give healing to, my arm was pointed towards John, who’s spine was crumbling he wore a big surgical belt, and he had to have gold injections into his spine. Amazingly I was stood up and walked towards John, as I moved closer to John my hands were pointed towards him, fingers closed and outstretched, my hands started to shake very rapidly, and from within myself I could see yellow, red, blue, green, beams of light shooting out of my fingers and into John.

I was shocked amazed and wondering what the hell was happening to me, gradually the power holding me began to decrease, Marjorie asked what is your name, a deep guttural voice in a whisper, came from me my name is Zangu, I was sat down and over a few minutes I began to compose myself, and came back into the room, Marjorie explained that Zangu is a healing guide and was told whilst he was with me, that he had been waiting to work with me since before I was born, I cannot describe to you how that felt, this was my first experience of trance. The closing prayer was said and we had tea and biscuits. 


I continued sitting in Marjorie and Don’s development circle, for a few weeks more spirit had started to mentally, give me messages and Zangu would come though me in trance. He was also making his presence felt in the healing sanctuary, as Brian felt I was now advanced enough to channel healing, the power he brought through was amazing, and the temperature would really go up in the healing sanctuary, and people were saying they really felt the benefit of the healing power Zangu brought through.  Although I was starting to have nightmares, this concerned my parents and myself, as I suffered some pretty horrific nightmares as a child, these nightmares were coming back with a vengeance, I assured my parents it was nothing I was doing at the spiritualist church, causing the nightmares to return. I walked into church one evening, and sitting in the foyer was a lovely medium by the name of Mrs Brotherton, Frank the president of the church was arguing with a lady, about me saying I was ungifted and to young to develop, the lady was  saying just because I was young it did not mean I was not gifted. Don’t mind me I thought  Mrs Brotherton sat there quietly smiling, during her demonstration of mediumship she came to me with a message, she was telling me from spirit that they were opening a door for me, and behind that door there was many spiritual gifts, waiting for me to develop and use with spirit in spiritual service, and that I had a very long way to go on the spiritual path, and many would come to me to be uplifted by these gifts, After the service Frank invited me into his church circle, I will leave you the reader to make your mind up about that.

I was reluctant to leave Marjorie and Don’s circle, but mistakenly felt by joining Franks church circle, it would be a way of progressing, as Frank was giving his circle the hard sell. I was still very much learning and naïve, about the right course for spiritual development. So I joined Franks circle, Marjorie and Don were lovely told me to be guided by spirit, and wished me well on my spiritual path, there is not a lot I can say about Franks circle, because spirit really did not communicate with me in that circle, I heard a woman singing in the kitchen one night, no one physical was in the kitchen, and once I was drawn to lay face down on the floor, arms outstretched to the side feet together, I later found out that this is the universal sign of humility.


My nightmares had gradually got a lot worse, I was waking up with a violent jolt screaming my head off, other times I would be falling from the ceiling in my bedroom, with this demonic face above me chasing me, I would wake up with a violent jolt, and be thrown to the other side of the room screaming, one night I woke up screaming kicking the chest of drawers, the other side of the bedroom. Zangu was also coming through as and when he pleased, this was at times embarrassing and dangerous.


My parents were very worried about me, and started talking about getting me psychiatric help, no one at church could give me an answer to the nightmares, I was having, at the time I was working at Bryce Whites Timber Yard in Langley, loading and unloading lorries. I was sent on a forklift driving course which I passed, to celebrate I went across the road to my local pub The Chestnuts, and got myself very drunk directors bitter, and  rum and coke was my tipple at the time, I staggered home and went to sleep.

I was falling from the ceiling again, with demonic face chasing me I woke up with a jolt, wedged between my bed, and an old cabinet type record player, I had inherited from my parents. And in that second I felt a hand grab the back of my head, and force my head down on the corner of the record player, with such force the corner of the record player went through my chin.

My Dad rushed in I couldn’t talk as 3 teeth with gum were under my tongue, I was bleeding heavily, Dad went and got me a tea towel to hold to my mouth to help stop the bleeding, come on Dad said we are going up the hospital, so still drunk wearing my underpants, Dad took me to Wexham Park Hospital. When we arrived in casualty there had been a big fight at one of the local clubs, because of my injury the police thought I was involved in the fight, my Dad said what in his underpants no he has had a nightmare, the look on the policemans  face was classic, I was given emergency surgery, to repair my chin and teeth they could give me an anaesthetic as I was drunk, I saw everything in the stainless steel on the light above my head, I felt every thing the surgeon was doing. He wired and stitched the 3 teeth under my tongue back into place, and put 13 stitches in my chin, I remember vividly the big needle for the penicillin injection, when we got home there was 2 teeth sticking out of the record player, yes it hurt like hell the next day I went to the hospital dentist, to have my teeth put into dental clamps for the next 6 months, to hold them all together.

The next night I went to Slough Christian Spiritualist Church, looking like Frankensteins monster, with 13 stitches in my chin and heavily bruised down the right side of my face, I was a bit shocked as no one said a word, after the service Nancy and Ken approached me, and said do you remember a medium called Berenice Watts, I said yes I did and that I enjoyed her work. Nancy told me that Berenice ran a discussion group in Ruislip, and would I like to go with them as they could see I was in a state, and they felt Berenice could help me.

The following Wednesday we went along to Berenice’s discussion group, the average age of the people there was 40 upwards, I was 19 years old so I felt a bit young stupid and shy to say anything, but I listened with interest to the discussion, afterwards Nancy and Ken Introduced me to Berenice, Nancy said to her Steve’s got some problems can you help him. Berenice took one look at me and, said its going to take more than 5 minutes to sort you out, can you come round for a coffee and chat next week, I agreed as was desperate for help some control over my life, as the nightmares were continuing, and my parents were getting serious abut me seeing a psychiatrist, we made arrangement for me to meet her and her husband Ian for a chat.


The following week I went along to Berenice and Ian’s, I told them of my experiences and my nightmares, admitted I was drunk when my face got smashed up. And that Zangu was coming through whenever he felt like it, Berenice explained to me that I was very open to spirit, and was very annoyed that I had not been taught how to close down to spirit, she explained to me that it was very important to close down to spirit, as we need to live our material lives, also spirit will use a open channel 24/7, this will have a very detrimental effect on a channel mentally and physically, especially as all and sundry and those from lower levels of spirit, are very drawn to the light of an open channel, and can be very harmful to a channel depending on the state, of the spirits coming close to the channel.

And also alcohol is a depressant but also makes us wide open to spirit, if we are not properly closed down. Her guides told her that I was being used astrally for rescue work, to take those on lower levels of spirit into the light and and higher levels of spirit, Berenice taught me how to close down, and to do the closing down meditation, before I went to sleep and before I got up in the morning. By asking God and spirit guides for protection, and imagining a blue and green wall around myself, and stating nothing could penetrate it, would give me the protection I needed, Berenice added that my spirit guides were also being very lazy, by not protecting me, Berenice then invited me into her circle to sit for spiritual development.

I was amazed and delighted, that Berenice had invited me into her development circle, it was like jumping from infant school to university, I was very much taught how to close to spirit, also how to open to spirit correctly, how to control my guides and to communicate with them, Berenice is a trance medium so I was taught trance, how to come in and out of trance properly, my guides were taught how to respect and look after me as a physical channel, they wanted to use me so they are responsible for looking after me. other than myself and Berenice there was Ian her husband, and Ron and Pauline a couple also sat in the circle, we would each in turn have to bring a guide through to talk on a set subject. My favourite was Li an oriental guide, who channelled through Ian his talks were very informative and funny, on how spirit works, universal law, levels of spirit, reincarnation.

We were taught how to give an inspired address from our guides, how to give messages from spirit, by cutting out unnecessary bits like names and anniversaries, sand, tarot, playing cards, crystal ball, psychometry, How to channel energy, meditation, one of the more gruelling excersises she would put a picture, in an envelope and we would have to tell her, what or who was in the picture and describe what we saw felt.

One night in Berenices circle I arrived, and the bowl of sand was there, she told me I was going to do a sand reading with a difference, after opening the circle Ian channelled the energy of a guide, into the sand I had to tell them who the guide was, as I looked into the shapes and shadows in the sand, in my minds eye I could see like a monastry with a silver lining around it, I could also see a group of bhuddist monks walking a path to this monastry, they were being attacked for the food they had with them, one got hit over the head, instantly in a split second everything went black, and a massive electric like shock through me, then I was back in the room, Ian told me the guide was in actual fact his guide Li, he was a bhuddist monk, and he was murdered for the food he had with him, and is monastry was called the monastry of silver light.

Sadly Berenice’s circle lasted 9 months, as Berenice and Ian moved to Crawley to live, and it was to far for us to travel, I still feel a link to Berenice’s circle and my fellow sitters, I will be forever grateful to her for her help and teaching, I also teach the same way as she did very disciplined. I have been working off what I learned in that circle, for the past 37 years it was way ahead of its time, and still is today because it was universal spiritual teaching, as a way of life.




Love Lost and Found

Uncertain as love is, truth is a stranger, to those who seek mortal flesh, but chide union and companionship of mind. The truth I seek in the darkness alone, an old love burial, you die let me live.

Coming back to life, aware of all creations, beauty and tragedy. Is my love the illusion of a lady I foolishly seek, am I to be alone on this pathway, taking small steps in this unknown creation.

Spirit you walk with me I serve you, lessons learned I have found the truth I love.

Stephen Rowlands  


The Life And Times Of A Lost Soul: Chapter 1 Opening The Door

I have been asked many times, how I got into spiritualism, in fact I wish I had a pound, for every time I have told the tale, of how I got into spiritualism so here goes. I have always been able to sense and feel things, for as long as I can remember, mainly other peoples emotions. Or having images within my mind, showing me what was to come in the immediate future, my first memory of this I was 4 years old, we were living in Datchet, in a lovely Victorian house it was boxing day that year. Myself and my cousin Brian were watching television, Jack and the Beanstalk if I remember correctly, well it was 1964. I had this very strong image in my mind of my bed being on fire, I told Brian my bed was on fire, he said do not be silly it is my cigarette, I played up so much my Dad went to investigate. Beside my bed was a 2 bar electric heater it was turned on, close to the blankets on my bed the blankets were smouldering, my Dad switched off the fire and put out the blankets.

Although I rarely see spirit and if I do it is usually just from the shoulders up, or a quick flash of a full physical form, which I see out of the corner of my eye, I have always been able to sense spirit standing close to me, communicating with me in emotion, can you imagine how it feels to a boy, who does not understand what is happening to him. I can tell you it is very unnerving, and at times frightening. The first life event that had a real impact on me, was the passing to spirit of my grandfather I was 7 years old. I could not believe that my granddad had died, because even at that young age I believed that life was eternal, my granddads physical death came as a total shock to me.

We used to have legendary bonfires for Guy Fawkes night, over The Gulley that year 1967, and I really feared my granddad would appear in giant form for all to see, that image was very powerful within my mind. November 5th came granddad did not appear in giant form, I was relieved but questioning why did he not show himself, when I feel him so close to me he is still alive, this emotion has perplexed me all my life, and I have now made this emotion public, to which I am glad that I am finally sharing it.

Can you imagine how it feels to a child, to have there mind and senses bombarded like this, there are many  people like me throughout the world like me, I reach out to you all, please seek guidance and spiritual development. I went on like this for a number of years, becoming more shy and introverted.

I left school and after 18 months in the army, I started work at Hire Service Shops. I was the yardman, my job to keep the yard clean and tidy load and unload lorries, through this job I met Brain North, he was the electrician there fixing and servicing electrical tools for hire, his nickname was Gnu from the famous teabag advert at the time, because he was always drinking tea, he was also vice president of Slough Spiritualist Church. The store manager was also a Spiritualist, I would have lengthy conversations with Brian, I would discuss with him what had been happening to me. He gave me the answers to my questions.

I will be eternally thankful for Brian North, because he gave me answers to questions. and all of a sudden I did not feel quite so weird, the other lads I worked with warned me off Brian, saying he was a nutter and trying to convert me into a cult. I know now this was more fear than knowledge, that made them warn me away from Brian.

Eventually Brian invited me to attend a service at Slough Spiritualist Church, I was concerned Brian would set something up for me, although I was compelled to go to Slough Spiritualist Church to investigate, I did not tell him when I would visit.

New Years Day 1978 I visited Slough Spiritualist Church, and was given a warm welcome, I was impressed by the friendliness of the people there, I turned up on my Honda CG125 wearing a bomber Jacket jeans and white scarf, please excuse me I was 17 what must they have thought. The Mediums that night were Mr and Mrs Zealey, Mrs Zealey was a trance medium, yes I do remember, I knew it would be religious as Slough, was a Christian Spiritualist Church. But overall I was not impressed with the mediumship, after the service during tea and biscuits, a little old lady called Ada came to speak with me, she had been resident medium there for over 40 years, she gave me a message from Spirit that was so darn accurate, I had to investigate further and decided to attend on a regular basis. That was the beginning of a 42 year Journey








Mortal life is but a glimpse of all things, in our waking consciousness. What are memories,  reflections naught but time can advocate. Time is a useless measure, as our reflections prove, nothing loses its forward momentum, in this revolving universe as life goes on.

Reflections of love when time makes no sense, moving forward I cannot go back, to thank you to tell you I love you. I converse with you within this moment, sadly this moment will leave me, and the future is a time,  we do not dwell. I turn this moment to the past, to be with you, like an old favourite film, I press replay

Sadness manifests as I stumble into the next moment, seeing your smile feeling your words calling within my heart, do your best beautiful boy, live the best life you can. I tell you with all my heart I promise you the best I can, knowing you walk with me, where time does not exist,  and love is eternal and still.



DEDICATED TO Elwyn Rowlands My Dad 27/11/29 – 14/10/15




Wishing for my Willpower

During the course of my diet people would say to me I wish I had your willpower to  stick to a diet I found this a very weak and defeatist statement to make and why were these people belittling themselves when in fact willpower lives and breathes within in us all  a state of consciousness when properly utilised can help us to to become the best version of ourselves in any area of our life or all of it our willpower is usually hidden under many things positive and negative in nature usually our needs the things that make this life more bearable such as food alcohol cigarettes drugs relationships a job that drains us a toxic relationship how we see ourselves in our world and how we fit into our world our fears and anxieties and what we use to salve our emotions to deal with life whilst thinking about writing this blog I realised that willpower is in all things that we do  from our waking moment until we sleep we just cover it with lots of other things which really impedes or stops dead our freewill to use our natural God given willpower

We just really need to reprogram ourselves to look at what we really truly need and let go of the things that impede or stop us reaching inner peace or desired goals no matter what they maybe people places thoughts and emotions if they no longer serve us for our greater good and life they must go  I have realised I have hit on a massive subject of which scientists and philosophers have researched over centuries I can only speak from my own experience along my pathway of life and the teachings of spirit so please you the reader do not look at this blog as a piece of academic work this blog is purely from my own experience and discoveries of self that I will be sharing with you I will endeavour to make this blog as helpful as possible and hope you the reader will gain something from it to utilise and reboot your in built willpower and use it towards your inner peace and desired goals


On reflection I realise it was not only the threat of more serious illness and worsening diabetes that motivated me and helped me to find my willpower from 2011 – 2016 I had been dieting on and off without any success but my way of thinking at the time was really suppressing my willpower the guilt that I had failed another diet the thoughts that it did not really matter as I was in my mid 50’s my pulling the ladies days were over my absence of teeth and my impotence made me feel useless   my aches and pains and tiredness were just ageing but putting all these things together they were suppressing my willpower

You may find this hard to believe but when diagnosed with Diabetes 2 I was in the best place mentally and emotionally than I had been for years after my last relationship ended in 2010 I was a mess mentally and emotionally and drinking heavily but realised soon after that I had got my life back which is a great gift and it was up to me to create the best life I could for myself and started the long process of letting go of my anger learning to love myself and opening my heart and living and speaking my truth through an open heart I was to wrapped up in what I used to be a serving medium doing around 100 services a year plus teaching and touring Spiritualist Churches in South Wales a lot of people back in the the day used to call me the peoples medium because of my down to earth approach whilst demonstrating on platform a fact I am very proud of to this day and it made me very angry that I couldn’t go back to it and just pick up where I left off its a very true saying amongst platform mediums that your as good as your last service


Slowly but surely the realisation came that it does not really matter what I used to do in the past all that matters is what I’m doing now and what I’m doing to create a better tomorrow so I focussed on my mental and emotional state forgiving myself and others for bad deeds done my good friend Jane Goodman kept telling me I have a beautiful heart so I put my best foot forward and decided to be truly myself anyone who knows me knows that I’m truly a big softy and that I am giving and helpful as I had cut way back on my drinking it made my thinking that much clearer and was much easier to be truly who I am without my mind being shrouded by the thick fog of alcohol and gradually my mediumship started to improve meditation helped me to become more at peace with myself and give me the drive to become a better mental and emotional version of myself I was making friends I had also started teaching mediumship in a general development circle at Woking Spiritualist Church as I told the students in that circle I have made all the mistakes I am just helping you not to make them I had created a website for my mediumship and was doing a few more platform demonstrations of mediumship that is enough about my mediumship for now although I do feel drawn to write a blog about my spiritual journey in the future

I was diagnosed with Diabetes 2 on 07/04/16 although this was a shock  my Spirit Guides were telling me I had Diabetes I kept an open mind on it but hoping I didn’t have diabetes the doctor and nurse told me in no uncertain terms if I did not do the work necessary to improve my health and wellbeing my health would deteriorate greatly and possibly an early death me and my closest friend Marina Rawlings had been talking and making plans about travelling together seeing historical sites and seeing the world the thought of being to ill to travel was totally unacceptable or to die before my spiritual service on this earth was fulfilled was totally unacceptable to me I decided it was a straight fight between me and Diabetes 2 and thus my willpower was re ignited and had come alive again I am so glad that my mental and emotional state had improved as I am sure if I had not took the steps to improve my mental and emotional state the state of inertia that I was in coupled with diabetes 2 my health would have deteriorated greatly but now I had reasons to live and sure as hell Diabetes 2 was not going to stand in my way I now realise I had got rid of all the rubbish that covered my willpower and held me back in life


Apart from losing weight my diet gave me some realisations the biggest one being dieting is about self care not self denial or battling hunger until your next meal when you truly realise you are actually caring for yourself through diet dieting becomes that much easier and believe it or not I gradually found dieting to be a pleasure rather than a chore as I was improving my health and wellbeing I will share my realisations with you as they all promote strong and powerful willpower

1, Positive balances Negative in our universe we are greatly effected by our environment as to how we feel inside and what decisions that we make by our work and relationships and so on if we feel low we are more likely to eat unhealthy food because for a time it makes us feel better for a short time but in reality we are piling on the pounds and polluting our bodies so we must balance negative thoughts and emotions with positive thoughts and emotions for example you hate your job instead of hating your job look at it as a means of paying your bills so you can live in a material world count our blessings as there are many that are far worse off than us I know thinking like this certainly cheers me up if you have had a bad day don’t moan and gripe about it and reach for the dairy milk chocolate or wine think how you could have improved your day think that tomorrow is a blank page I have the opportunity and the power of creation to make it a good day meditate step into the moment because there is truly peace all around us take a hot shower and visualise washing all that negativity down the plug hole

2, Craving food I know from past experience cravings for our favourite food can be terrible there is something that is known as state dependant learning I picked this little gem up from my behavioural neuro pharmacologist ex wife it is quite simply our brain and body has got used to what we put into it and the amounts we put into it and when we lessen the amount our brain and body starts to crave that amount of food alcohol cigarettes or drugs we put into it know when you start to diet the cravings will be fierce but as time goes by they will become less and less know that and your willpower will be strong do not fear or succumb to your cravings they will become less just be determined enough to see it through

3, A little mental trick I used to use and still do at times whilst shopping I would see the foods I loved such as cheese white bread sausages chocolate and  pies and knew they were harmful to my diet and harmful to me with my diabetes so I would just imagine a skull and crossbones on them and walk by this helped me stay on the straight and narrow and thinking about it it was a mental tool for turning a negative into a positive and helped me beat my cravings thus promoting my willpower

4, Set yourself goals thinking about all the weight you need to lose can seem an insurmountable task I set myself half stone targets which were far easier to reach than thinking of the whole 4 stone target I originally set for myself be determined be stubborn with yourself if necessary as there is always someone who will want you to have dessert or a chip sandwich saying this once wont hurt but I let nothing detract me from my next half stone target as it would slow my progress and this will help to excersise your mental and emotional muscles and strengthen your willpower when I reached my half stone target I gave myself a little treat such as a sausage sandwich it gives us something to aim for and promotes a sense of achievement

As your clothes start to feel loose try on the clothes that don’t fit anymore then you have a good guide on how much more you need to lose to fit into them clothes make it a goal to be able to wear them clothes comfortably I cant tell you the sense of achievement I had when I could finally wear my grey suit comfortably 36″ waist small trousers 46″ chest

5. Focus on your goals let nothing detract you from your goals remember your reprogramming yourself so focus is very important it will boost your willpower to help you achieve your goals

6, Intention set your intention to lose your weight and reach your desired weight I made myself a promise that I would lose 4 stone in weight I did not want the guilt of failing to lose 4 stone this set my intention

I hope you the reader has enjoyed reading this and have gained some helpful advice from it I am now the healthiest I have been in years simply by changing the way I think with focus and intention and this awoke my willpower

In Light and Love Stephen















Healer Heal Thyself Diabetes 2 The Kick Up The Ass I needed

Where do I begin this blog from the beginning I suppose but hard to remember where it all began but thinking about it was a long downward slope of around 18 years in that time I had 3 long-term girlfriends one who I adored cheated on me the pain of her infidelity took me from 16  stone 10 pounds to 12 stone the next girlfriend thought I was the Royal Bank of Mug but laced it up as love by that time I was drinking heavily and smoking around 40-60 cigarettes a day

And to be honest my life was at rock bottom at that point although I was working full-time and had a flat I was scratching around spiritually and no social life and I was skint so on boxing day 2010 I decided I needed to turn my life around and make 2011 a year of change and started getting myself out there as once upon a time in the mid 80’s to early 90’s I was a spiritualist medium demonstrating mediumship at spiritualist churches on what we call the circuit I missed those times I had spoken to my spirit guides saying to them I was fed up with getting into relationships and landing up with nothing they advised me to do what I was good at to work with them and be a medium and healer once again

I became friends with a lovely lady and fellow medium Jane Lorraine Goodman who helped me to see the errors of my ways with drinking and smoking and holding onto anger due to past hurts drinking smoking and being a temperamental sod that had a very real detrimental effect on me as a channel for spirit so I weaned myself off the booze from drinking daily to drinking occasionally as I enjoy a glass of wine or beer when out for dinner or a few drinks when at parties so I decided not to drink in the week or 24 hours before serving spirit much better for me to drink socially than to be in a pissed or hung over state by drinking daily

I smoked for 40 years so giving up was not going to be easy so I got the patches and nicotine lozenges  and kicked the habit but I must admit to my shame today I am still addicted to the nicotine lozengers and do enjoy the occasional fag but when I do I think why am I doing this it stinks and its horrible but hey ho it’s all part of the psyche of being a bad non smoker  my mediumship is much improved by getting drinking and smoking under control and my general well-being is much improved to as getting my drinking under control has really helped me deal with my anger issues and booze really changes you into a not nice person and with meditation and practising what I preach I am much more at peace with myself others and the world

So in 2011 I found myself single I had not been single for 14 years I began getting used to my own company and getting to know and love myself new year 2011 was an incredibly positive time for me thinking back being single was the best thing that had happened to me for years I realised I had got my life back to rebuild and customise my life for me you may find that a very selfish statement but I very much-needed my life back to develop into all I could and can become this development will continue until the day I physically die

For the first time in 14 years I did not have a girlfriend to cook for me you may not believe this but at nearly 51 years old I did not know how to cook except like basic things like a boiled egg a fry up a cup of tea sandwiches etc etc etc you get my drift

With working 12 hour rotating day and night shifts I was to lazy and had no inclination to learn how to cook for myself so for my main meal I would eat a Tescos finest ready meal with 4 slices of white bread and Bertolli spread breakfast would be porridge Weetabix or corn flakes with semi skimmed milk or a fry up lunch would be 2 rounds of mature cheddar sandwiches with crisps or chocolate and 2 rounds of sandwiches crisps and chocolate for nightshift

The weight began to pile on I thought it did not matter as I was in my mid fifties my handsome hunk days were over I became impotent which hurt as in my mind I still considered myself as a red-blooded male but I thought hey ho the ladies are not interested in me anymore I had lost teeth on my upper and lower sets and had become obese this now seems a funny way of thinking to me now as I love female company most of my friends are ladies and my bestest friend is the lovely Marina Rawlings I just thought of it all as an age thing but with what I know now I realise I had let myself go big time and was not caring for myself as I should

I have spent a lot of time over the years talking to people about the importance of loving oneself I have now realised I need to practice what I have been preaching with self love over the past few years I have been working to let go of all past hurts and my anger re past hurts again as I thought practising what I preach but throughout all that I had omitted to care for my physical well being


The symptoms of Diabetes 2 came on slowly between 2011 – March 2016 constantly feeling tired and lethargic wanting to sleep all the time a itchy red rash on my ankles and shins taking ages to pee which I thought at the time maybe a prostrate problem feeling like I had a bag of sugar in my mouth and impotence my mum would also tell me I smelt funny but since my diet she says the smell has gone I can only put this down to all the crap I was eating have realised it is very true we are what we eat

I decided to finally address my health issues in March 2016 and got a doctors appointment I told the doctor my health problems did a blood and urine test I was called back into see the doctor 07/04/16 she told me my testosterone was fine but I was full of sugar with a sugar score of 63 (7.9) I was in fact suffering from Diabetes 2 and all my health problems were related to Diabetes 2 and my weight the 5ft nothing doctor then proceeded to give me the mother of all rollockings of the state  I had got myself into and at my age and weight I was at very high risk of a heart attack or stroke and I needed to do something about it pronto

By losing weight eating diabetic friendly foods and a lot more excersise the doctor prescribed metformin to treat the diabetes 2 and statins for my borderline cholesterol score the doctor advised I may get a upset stomach with the metformin but I actually found the metformin to be a help to my diet because it helped me to lose weight quickly as the metformin took all the crap out of my body pardon the pun 🙂

I was then dispatched to see the diabetic nurse another 5ft nothing terror who then proceeded to give me another rollocking about my state and gave me a check up my stats didn’t look to good that day weight 17 stone 7 pounds waist 49 inches Qrisk (lifescore) 20.92% the lower that score is the better Diabetes 63 (7.9) my blood pressure was also very high which was a shock to me as I have always had good blood pressure I could only put this down to the Tesco finest meals I had been shoving in my face since 2011 as they are full of salt and sugar I threw my ready meals out as soon as I got home   I promised the diabetic nurse I would lose weight she told me she didn’t think I would be able to do it I thought lock and load bitch you watch thinking about it that was a great thing to say to me and it really helped motivate me so I went home and called my closest friend Marina Rawlings I told her what had happened at the doctors and in true Marina form she said I need to diet I will diet with you I admitted to her I didn’t know how to cook she said she will teach me the basics and she would visit Sunday 10/04/16 we would go shopping go for a walk show me how to cook mince and veg I went back to the nurse 14/04/16 and my blood pressure had returned to good and that was just in a week of not eating ready meals just goes to show how unhealthy they are

On the 10/04/16 my diet began but this diet needed to be different as I had spent most of my adult life dieting then putting the weight back on over the past couple of years I had started dieting but lacked the motivation or willpower to continue dieting so I needed to lose the weight and maintain it being told by the doctor and nurse that my life expectancy was not that good if I didn’t change my ways lose weight and control my diabetes was a real motivation to lose weight after reading the diabetes literature basically I had to eat meat or fish with veg for main meals cut way down on my carbs I love bread and potatoes but surprisingly it was easy to do and cut down on dairy foods I absolutely lurve eggs and cheese so this was hard and I very much missed cheese throughout my diet and the fact that I have a very low metabolism which means when I diet I have to eat very little to lose weight

On the 22/08/16 I went for a blood test I was really hoping my blood sugar score would be 48 or below that would mean I would no longer be a diet controlled diabetic on the 23/08/16 I received a phone call from the diabetic nurse my blood sugar score was now 31 I could either come off the metformin or take just one a day so I opted to come off metformin as I was concerned about the long term effect it would have on my body I kicked the statins into touch as well she said she wanted to see me urgently so I made an appointment with her for that afternoon I entered her office and she said to me I can see you have been wasting away I said told you I could do it she looked at me blankly but I had a great feeling of satisfaction growing within me she gave me a check up my stats looked much better that day weight 14 stone 1 pound waist 42 inches Diabetes 31 Qrisk (lifescore) 18.51%

                                                        FOCUS AND INTENTION

I realised I needed to be totally focussed on my goal of losing 4 stone in weight so I made a promise to myself that I would lose 4 stone in weight as I knew this would help to keep me focussed on my goal as I did not want the feeling of letting myself down if I failed to lose weight I also started a Facebook page titled Stevieboys Diet and Positive Way of Life page to chart my progress on my diet and share positive quotes but mainly I didnt want to make myself look stupid infront of my facebook friends and that to would help me to stay focussed

I achieved my 4 stone weight loss 23/10/16 13 stone 7 pounds I feel so much fitter and happier and have alot more energy to I am currently working down to 12 stone 7 pounds as the doctor tells me that is the right weight for my height and build

Dieting should not be seen as a chore or as self torture when in actual fact it is self care the whole mindset about dieting really needs to change from being torture to self care and it is all part of loving yourself taking care of your body is all about self love and care we buy a warm coat to keep out the cold in winter time the same could be said about dieting we care for ourselves to stay healthy and to keep out illness

Me 11/12/16 Thank You for Reading